My cat gives me a boner
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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