This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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