I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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