I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
