Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
