Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
