Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
