we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
