checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
