Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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