I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
