discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Too much gin, very little bucket
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
