you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
