I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
