I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
