when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
