I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
