I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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