I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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