Swine flu. Run for my life!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
