Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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