this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
