I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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