i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
