my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
