who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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