How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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