i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
