I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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