oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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