look no pants
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
