my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
