Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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