CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
