Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
