So drunk its hurt
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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