apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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