my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
