FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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