I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
