i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
