i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
