Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
