He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
