So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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