And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
