I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
