Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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