my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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