Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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