I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
