When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
