I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
